wow! my last entry in this thing has been more than a year ago already... it has been a while... what can I say? I've been too busy with school and all... I guess everyone knows how it is to be a graduating student. Well I'm glad that's over with... As of the 19th of March, 2005 I'm officially a graduate of BSC- Marketing, Oh JOY! (Sarcastic). Now the real challenge begins for me, but I'm too lazy to talk about that right now and I'm not in the mood for that kind of thing coz there are far more important things in life than dwelling in thoughts of getting a job and earning money. Things like how to live life to the fullest by not turning myself into a "busy backson" is more important than pretending to live a very full blown life by trying to be busy with work and all... (segueway: Am I making sense?!)

I just realized how empty and "walang kwenta" my life has been for the past 21 years of my... well... LIFE!

I dream for the moment I could learn how to live this once in a LIFETIME opportunity and not screw up and sh*t! All these years I have been trying to make things perfect but then I realized that I don't really learn a lot by trying to be perfect. I don't live by trying to be perfect... This might sound odd but I want to feel what it is liek to make a mistake and all... Its like I've been living a lie all this time and I was not really experiencing anything that made my LIFE worth living...

I dunno if I'm making sense at all...

At this point, things are hard to explain...

I'm just in so much pain (what's new?!)

I feel so alone...

I feel so pathetic just listening to myself rant and vent liek this again..

I dunno who to run to knowing that a lot of people hate my guts and I dunno if I'll ever make sense again since college ruined my concept of what's right, just and the TRUTH...

HELL...

I just wish I could fix my life and start living soon..

Can't wait for me to be able to pick myself up from this crap!

And oh yeah, I hafta make new friends too... I've let go of most of the ones in college since their not worth keeping and I need to find a new circle of friends who can help me regain TRUTH about things and correct my concepts of the deteriorated "right and wrongs" in LIFE.

I want to be a well rounded person once again and I feel like I need exposure and more socially-oriented things to do to gain more experience to make life worth living...

Any suggestions? (as if anyone reads this thing at all..)

Well, I finally got so fed up with all the shit my parents are giving so I decided to run away. I went off, not telling them where I was going and if I was coming back. To make the long story short, I failed with it. After a few hours, my sister sent me an sms saying my dad had high bood pressure and I had to look after him so I went back home and well, here I am now... typing. Why can't I do it? Why can't I just stand up for myself?! Just for once. So sick and tired of all this...

I dunno what the hell is wrong with them? or me? I just can't get them sometimes. They tell me that they want to be confronted about their faults but when you do, you're suddenly the bad guy and they act weird and suddenly become quiet around you and reason out that they're afraid to say or do something because I might say something about it again. I mean, what's the deal? If they can't accept that they're made a mistake and hurt someone else, why the hell do they still have to ask what they did? I just can't figure it out. weird... bahala sila sa buhay nila. They should even be greatful that I'm telling them their mistakes. labo nila!

happy new year to all!!!

My life is so pathetic. Nothing is ever happening to me. Nothing to keep me busy except for school work and other stuffs that won't really matter in life. I've been stuck this way for a long time. I try to recover from the boredom and insignificance of my being but every attempt just end up the same way... I'm a failure. I can't seem to put meaning into my life. I can't ven seem to control my own life. I've been held back by my parents for as long as I can remember and now its even worse, I too, have been holding back myself. Their teachings have started to make me paranoid and stuff so each time I try to do something new to bring adventure into my life, I become so paranoid and precautious that I just end up not doing anything. I dunno what's wrong with me.
Little by little I'm losing myself. All that I once was is vanishing now. Even the simple things that I used to know and do. Even things like spelling words correctly and shit like that. Even writing. I used tolove writing, but now, I am too blocked to write about anything at all. I don't understand it. My quality as a person is disintegrating already and I don't understand why I can't get myself to do anything about it.
I don't even know why I'm writing about this instead of just doing anything about it. But wait, what can I do about it? I don't even have a clue.
All my life I've been trying to help my friends who have felt like this before. I kept on advising them to stop analyzing everything and just do what you want to do and live life. But now that I'm in the same situation, I can't seem to go anywhere... away from all of this. I'm stuck.
I never realized that it was this difficult to be in their shoes. I never realized how difficult it was for them to keep their sanity at this point. I want to do something about this. I want to regain purpose in my life but my attempts before just led me to be who I am now... My parent's robot who only does things that are supposed to be done and are expected of her to be done. I'm nothing more than a mechanical being. I think I know what it's like to be a machine or a computer coz I already am one, except that they don't feel any pain, and I do.
Stuck, dunno where to go and what to do to have meaning in my life. But I can't give up... Not like this.
(I'm scared, I think I'm about to lose my sanity!)